Sessions
by Dr. Dredd
Summary: Each team member takes a turn on Dr. Heightmeyer's couch. Hint of ShepWeir and BatesHeightmeyer ship. COMPLETE
1. Part One: Rodney McKay

DISCLAIMER: I own none of this. If I did, do you think I'd still be working for a living? Thanks to the show's writers for sharing their fun with us.

Rodney McKay sat in a comfortable tan chair, staring out the window at the sun setting over the ocean. "I see them every time I close my eyes," he finally said.

"Who do you see?" asked the blonde woman sitting across from him.

Rodney turned back to face Kate Heightmeyer. "Johnson. Dumais. Hays. They're dying right in front of me and I can't save them."

"Do you think you should have been able to save them?" Kate looked at the young scientist. Rodney had definitely matured since coming to Atlantis. (She had read some of Lt. Colonel Carter's mission reports about Rodney with a mixture of amusement and dread.) He was better able to handle himself in the field, and was physically in much better shape. But he looked older somehow, and his eyes were haunted.

"Of COURSE I should have been able to save them!" he snapped at her. "I was the smartest person there. That's my job!" Well, at least he wasn't any more modest than usual.

Instead of commenting, Kate changed the subject. "That wasn't the first time you lost someone you were trying to save, was it." A statement, not a question.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." said Rodney. But he wouldn't meet her eyes.

"I think someone close to you died, and you feel responsible." Kate said softly. Rodney got up and began pacing around her office. "I also think that's why you don't let yourself get close to anyone."

Rodney stared out the window again, eventually admitting "I didn't only have a sister. I used to have a brother, too. He was four years older than me and I followed him around everywhere." Rodney was silent for a long minute, while Kate just looked at him compassionately. She'd learned that it was better not to say anything during moments like this, instead letting the patient continue when he was ready.

Finally, flopping back into his chair, Rodney continued, "He worked in construction one summer. The building site where he was working caved in. Freak thing, never should have happened, totally negligent management. Anyway, he was trapped underneath a 6-foot pile of concrete blocks. But he was still alive! The engineers were trying to find a way to get him out, when a leaking gas line exploded." In an uncharacteristically low voice, he finished, "And I had just figured out the solution."

Kate opened her mouth to speak, but Rodney cut her off, yelling "I should have been faster! Just like I should have thought of that EMP faster! There's no excuse for stupidity."

She finally got a word in. "That must have been horrible for you. But it's unrealistic to think that you could have done something. You and Carson didn't even know it was a nanovirus when Hays died."

It was the wrong thing to say. "Yes, yes, that's my point!" he snarled. "As soon as we knew Wagner and Johnson died of the exact same thing, I should have had it! Instead, Hays bought it and Ford and Zelenka came close." His voice cracked on the last word. He'd enjoyed working with Hays and flirting with Dumais, and he didn't think he'd ever forget Aidan's look of terror when he realized he had less than half an hour to live.

Kate nodded. "So after your brother died, you needed to be smarter than everyone else. Maybe that way you could prevent someone else you loved from dying. But just in case it happened again, like today, you walled yourself off so that you wouldn't care for anyone."

"That is just so not true." said Rodney. "I haven't walled myself off. I'm funny! I'm outgoing! I'm...really dizzy. I think I may be going into hypoglycemic shock!"

Kate handed him the cup of orange juice and the power bar she'd left on her desk, anticipating Rodney's famous "hypoglycemic" attacks. He wasn't going to get out of talking that easily. Relentlessly, she continued, "There are other smart people here, McKay. Why does it always have to be you who saves the day?"

Glaring, Rodney tore the wrapper off the power bar and took a huge bite. Mouth full, he said, "No one else comes close! Radek is good, but you can't count on him figuring things out. I don't trust anyone else besides myself in a crisis."

"That's it, isn't it, Rodney? You can't control if someone else comes up with an answer, but you're convinced that you always can, so you feel more in control of a situation. This is hard, I know. Everyone on this mission is an achiever, always pushing their own limits. It's painful when those limits push back."

When he didn't respond, Kate continued. "Can you tell me what you felt when you told Carson to stop CPR?"

"Are you kidding? How did you think I felt? Sad, afraid, anger at the randomness of it. At least I wasn't hungry, though. That was a plus." He smirked, trying to lighten the discussion. Kate made a mental note to explore his use of humor at another time.

"Yes, it was random. And it wasn't anything you did that saved yourself, it was the fact that you had received the ATA gene therapy."

Rodney slammed his hand down on the armrest of his chair. "Great, this is really fascinating, I'm thrilled to learn about my unconscious mind, but are you TRYING to make me feel worse?"

Kate sighed. "No, Rodney. But I am trying to get you to look at things a little differently, to realize that you are human like everyone else and can't always be right."

"That's what I said to Elizabeth." Rodney muttered.

Kate looked down at her watch. "I'm sorry, Rodney, but I have someone else coming in. I'd like you to think about this, and come back to talk more about it."

Rodney nodded and headed towards the door. This was always a tricky part of a visit. He needed to leave quickly and quietly so no one would see him.

Suddenly, though, the door slid open. "Teyla!" he exclaimed.

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_A/N Yes, I know that Rodney is allergic to citrus. Kate, however, appears to have forgotten... ;-)_


	2. Part Two: Aiden Ford

As the door closed behind the patient, Kate Heightmeyer closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. The migraine that she had been fighting all day threatened to break loose. But she only had one more patient, then she could quit for the day.

And it certainly had been an... interesting day. First, Rodney had been in for a follow-up session. He spent the first ten minutes explaining that although she had tried to kill him by giving him orange juice last time, he forgave her out of the goodness of his heart. Then he ranted about Kavenaugh the rest of the time. (Although she hated to admit it, she did agree with him about Kavenaugh. The man was an ass.)

After that, Kate had seen a string of people who had been badly shaken by their brush with the alien virus. Interesting how disease terrified people more than life-sucking vampires like the Wraith.

Kate opened her eyes and readied a pad and pencil. She was probably old-fashioned, but she found that typing session notes into a computer just didn't work for her. Then the door opened and Aiden Ford came in. He looked warily around the office as if he expected a Wraith to jump out from under her desk. "Please, sit." she said, hoping to put him at ease. He reluctantly took the chair closest to the door.

"What brings you here?" she asked, since it soon became obvious he wasn't going to volunteer anything on his own.

"Major Sheppard, ma'am."

"Excuse me?"

"Major Sheppard. He 'strongly suggested' that I see you, ma'am."

Great. He didn't want to be there, and for a moment she was tempted to tell him to go. Then she forced a smile and asked "Why do you think he did that?"

"Dunno, ma'am... Well, maybe because I've been a little jumpy lately."

"You know, Aiden, you don't have to call me ma'am."

"Yes, ma'am."

Kate sighed. "In what way have you been jumpy?"

"I get startled a lot. Major Sheppard finally said that I was driving him crazy and that I should see you."

"Ah. So in the expert clinical judgment of the major, he wants me to make you stop making him nuts." She winced as she realized how sarcastic that sounded. She'd definitely been talking to Rodney for too long.

"Sorry, Aiden," Kate said apologetically. "Is there anything specific bothering you?"

He lowered his voice. "It always feels like we're being watched."

"By the Wraith?"

"Yes, ma'am." Then he asked nervously, "You don't really think I'm crazy, do you?"

Kate smiled again. "Aiden, 'crazy' isn't exactly a medical term. If you mean, do I think you're psychologically unfit for your job, the answer's no. If you mean, do I think you're under a lot of stress, then yes. Who wouldn't be?"

"It's just... well, I know the Wraith are coming, and there's nothing we can do about it. I hate just waiting."

"So you feel out of control?"

"Yeah."

She asked, "So is that why you're always naming things, to get more control over a situation?"

For the first time, Aiden grinned and it made him look like a little kid. "No, I'm just doing that to yank the Major's chain, ma'am. He treats me like a kid."

"Well, you are one of the youngest here," Kate said. "What are you, 25?"

Aiden nodded and his face became sober again. "But I don't feel that way, you know. I feel a helluva lot older than that."

"Glad you mentioned that. Physically, how are you feeling? Have you experienced any lasting effects of the nanovirus?"

"No ma'am. If Carson hadn't shown us those dead little suckers under a microscope, I wouldn't have even known they were there... until my brain exploded."

"That sounds like it's still pretty vivid for you." Kate said sympathetically.

"Are you kidding? I don't think I'm ever going to forget counting down the minutes until I started to see things and then drop dead. Like I said, I hate just waiting."

"Did you think that Dr. McKay was going to come up with something?"

"I honestly didn't know, ma'am. First we all thought he was going to die. Then, when he realized he was going to live, he was so damned calm." Aiden paused for a long time, then whispered. "I almost hated him for a few moments there."

"Why?" she asked gently.

"Because he was given the gene and was safe. Grunts like me are too far down the list to get it."

"I hardly think you're just a grunt. Major Sheppard trusted you to cover his back during the big storm."

"Yeah, but no one else did. Carson questioned absolutely everything I said or did. He's a great doc, but a real pain in the butt."

Kate smiled as she imagined the Scot doctor's whining. "So you started second-guessing yourself."

"A little... okay, a lot. A good soldier isn't supposed to do that!" Aiden suddenly shouted.

"I really don't think situations like these were covered in your training! I'd be worried if you didn't have doubts. Then you'd just be a robot following orders. Besides, think about the ultimate outcome."

"Huh?"

"Basically, you guys saved the day."

"Huh. We did, didn't we." He tried not to look pleased.

"And you probably saved Stackhouse when you pushed him out of the way of that energy creature. You didn't even hesitate, you just put his safety over yours. That's a quality we see in leaders. Just give yourself some time. And please come back if there's anything else you'd like to talk about"

He looked thoughtful. "Okay. Thanks, ma'am... Dr. Heightmeyer."

FIN


	3. Part Three: John Sheppard

This one's going to be a little different from the other two. It's going to be in first-person, from Shep's point of view, rather than from Kate's. Also, there are some spoilers for Asclepius, so if you don't want to be spoiled, you should read that first. (Actually, you should just read it anyway. ;-))

Thanks to liketheriver for the loan of Heightmeyer's curling iron!

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I was so going to kill Beckett.

Apparently Kate Heightmeyer had told him that I kept putting off our scheduled session, so he cornered me as I came out of Liz's office after one of our meetings. Told me oh-so-sweetly that I could go voluntarily or be dragged there by a couple of jarheads in full view of Atlantis's entire personnel complement. Then he mused out loud about various new medical tests he was thinking about implementing on a regular basis. And he topped it all off by giving me the glare he usually reserved for McKay. You know the one. Ice-blue stare, no facial expression, one raised eyebrow.

I hate it when he does that.

So that's how I found myself sitting in Heightmeyer's waiting room. Since I did not want to be turned into a human guinea pig by our friendly neighborhood mad scientist, nor did I want to listen to McKay's snide comments about having my ass dragged through the city, I just put the best face on things as possible. Then I girded my loins and entered the dragon's lair.

Look, it's not like I don't respect Dr. Heightmeyer. I'm sure she's very good at what she does. But this is my head, you know? I don't appreciate anyone trying to get inside it unless it's on my terms.

As I was wondering how Heightmeyer kept her hair so curly and contemplating the rumors I'd heard about McKay adapting her curling iron in exchange for clean mental health reports, the door to the inner sanctum opened. Heightmeyer gave me a smile that showed all her teeth and said, "Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with me, Major."

Crap. A pissed-off shrink was never good. "Well, you know how it is. I figured other people needed your valuable... insights more than I do."

She snorted at that. "Uh-huh. Your altruism does you credit." When I didn't respond, she sighed and gestured towards a chair. "Look, I'm not the enemy. We - Carson and I - just wanted to make sure that no one was having trouble after the nanovirus incident. You had the added pleasure of being nuked on top of everything else."

"Fine. What do you want to know?" Anything so I could get out of here.

"Let's start with something simple. How are you doing?"

"Me? I'm telling you, I'm fine. No radiation sickness, no flash-blindness, no hair falling out." Just to make sure, I ran a hand through my hair to make sure it was appropriately spiked.

"That was a good bit of flying, from what I heard."

"Thank you. Just doing my job, instead of..."

"Instead of what?"

Uh-oh. I definitely need to be careful here, and watch what I say. "Instead of... instead of just hoping that McKay or Beckett would save the day."

"Which is what you would have had to do if you didn't break quarantine."

Son of a... "Jeez, you're making it sound like I'm some sort of glory hound. I knew I could at least do something if I wasn't stuck in the gym. I would have thought Dr. Weir would want as many people as possible working on the problem."

"I'm sure she did. You could still have offered suggestions from the gym."

"Look. Even Bates thought I was right. And he's so straitlaced it's like he has a stick rammed up his --."

"Thank you, Major. I get your point. But if yours and Dr. Weir's positions had been reversed, what do you think you'd be feeling right now?"

I'll tell you what I was feeling. I was feeling downright annoyed. They'd blackmailed me here so I could get a repeat performance of Liz's lecture? So much for "we just wanted to make sure no one was having trouble." I said as much.

"There's no need to get defensive, Major Sheppard. I'm just wondering. You and Dr. Weir have disagreed before, but this is the first time you did it so openly and to such a degree. Why now?"

"This time there were many lives at stake!"

"And you don't think that Elizabeth was aware of that?"

Suddenly I knew where this was going. "Oh, no. We are not going there." I stood up. "I have no doubt that what I tell you tonight will be on Weir's desk in the morning."

Heightmeyer looked surprised. "Major, these sessions are strictly confidential."

Yeah, I knew she was going to say that. Doctor-patient confidentiality is sacred unless you say something that makes the doc think that you or someone else is in imminent danger. In the military, there's an added loophole in the form of breaking confidences if the "survival or functioning of the unit" is compromised. It's a loophole you could drive a Mack truck through. At the Academy, one guy I knew found this out the hard way when he made the mistake of telling a counselor about his secret feelings for other men. He was thrown out faster than you can say, "Don't ask, don't tell."

"Major Sheppard," she asked. "Can you please sit back down? As I said, this is confidential."

"Sure," I said in reply. "Unless you decide the good of Atlantis is better served otherwise."

Now Heightmeyer looked exasperated. "John Sheppard, unless you say you have homicidal tendencies towards Dr. Weir, nothing will leave this room!"

Oh, I was having homicidal tendencies, all right. Just not towards Liz. Did I mention that I was going to kill Beckett?

I reluctantly sat back down. As I did, I caught sight of a clock on her desk. There were still thirty minutes left in this session. Damn.

Heightmeyer had a concerned expression on her face. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. But I do think this is an important question. Why didn't you trust Dr. Weir to realize lives were at stake?"

I took a deep breath and exhaled, suddenly not sure why I was so angry. "Elizabeth is an idealist. She wants to believe the best of everyone and every situation. Sometimes I envy her that. Because the way I see it, we're only a few steps away from disaster, Doc. And it's my job to keep all of us from taking those steps." I craned my neck. Twenty-five minutes.

"Can you be more specific?"

"All right, what about the time I tangled with that wraith-bug. We had 38 minutes to get the jumper through the gate. Elizabeth didn't want to do anything until she had all the facts, and that cost us time. Sometimes you can't be that precise. You've got to take your best guess and go with it."

"Any other instances?"

"Well, then there was the time with Steve."

"Who's Steve?"

"You know, Steve. The Wraith we captured."

"You named a Wraith Steve?"

"Sure. Why? Do you think Mike would have been better?"

She shook her head and jotted something in a notebook she carried with her. Looked like it said, "Takes refuge in sarcasm." Figures. But hey, we'd frittered away another ten minutes! Fifteen to go.

"So, what about... Steve?"

"The Hoffans had a drug they wanted to test against the Wraith, and we had a Wraith that was going to die anyway. Sounded like a match made in heaven to me."

"But?" Ten minutes.

"But Elizabeth was not happy about violating the Geneva Convention." This time I shook my head. "The Wraith certainly weren't signatories, and like I said, he was going to die anyway."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you read the mission reports, so you know about the 50 percent mortality rate for the Hoffans. Steve died, too." I was silent for a minute, thinking. We didn't come out of it unscathed, either. Beckett lost someone he was starting to care deeply about, and he also felt the weight of those thousands of deaths. He'd almost pushed himself beyond the point of no return trying to atone for them. I didn't remember most of it, having been pretty damn sick from food poisoning, but I'd heard about it afterwards. "Six minutes to go," I muttered under my breath.

"What was that?" asked Heightmeyer.

"It's amazing how decisions like these weight the heaviest on those who are just trying to do what they think is right. That's what I wanted to spare Elizabeth from when I busted out of quarantine."

"I'm not sure what you mean." Three minutes.

"Look, it was an emergency situation. No matter what we did, some more people were going to die until we figured out what was going on. The question was who. We might have taken Petersen out before he got to the mess hall. Should it have been him? Or should it have been those he came into contact with during his wandering? I think the decision about Steve and the Geneva Convention threw Elizabeth a little. As ranking military officer, this time I wanted to make the decision myself, to give her a little respite."

As the clock ticked, Heightmeyer looked at me. There were twenty seconds left to go when she asked, "Major, what are your personal feelings about Dr. Weir?"

Time! "Sorry, Dr, Heightmeyer, I think my time is up. I don't want you to keep your next patient waiting." As I left her office, I felt a little bad about doing that to her. But confidentiality or no, her question wasn't one I was ready to answer. Even to myself.

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A/N: I don't know if military medicine really works that way. Probably not. But I do know that their docs shouldn't have been helping in interrogations. :-(

And for those of you that asked, Asclepius is pronounced Uh-SKLEE-pee-us


	4. Part Four: Elizabeth Weir

_You'll notice that some of the characters think of or address Kate Heightmeyer as "Heightmeyer" or "Dr. Heightmeyer", while others call her "Kate." This is deliberate and reflects differing working relationships._

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Elizabeth Weir grinned as she listened to the voices outside her office. From her vantage point, she could see all the details of the imminent confrontation through one of the windows. John Sheppard was not going to win this one. Not by a long shot. The part of her that was still angry thought that it served him right.

The rest of her was getting ready to laugh her ass off.

"Good mornin' to ya, Major Sheppard!" Carson said cheerfully. Next to him stood Private Nichols, one of the marines.

John tensed up; Elizabeth could see it even with his back to her. At his station, Peter Grodin made no attempt to hide his amusement.

"Good morning to you, too, Doc," John said suspiciously. "You're in a good mood today."

"Oh, aye, son." the doctor beamed. "This young lad here is in training as a medic, so I wanted to show him how to assess and control a trauma scene."

"Control a trauma scene," John repeated. Elizabeth could tell that he was frantically trying to figure out what kind of trap this was. Her grin grew wider as John looked up at Private Nichols. And up. And up. Nichols was at least six-foot-nine and built like a tank. "Private, I wouldn't think you'd have trouble controlling anything. I sure as hell wouldn't want to argue with you."

Oh, John had definitely set himself up. Elizabeth watched as a devilish gleam entered Carson's eyes. "Fantastic, Major. Maybe you can be helping me train him." Carson turned to Nichols. "First scenario: you arrive at the scene of a puddlejumper accident. There's one patient, who's being stubborn and uncooperative." Carson looked directly at John as he spoke. "You know that unless he follows your instructions, there will be serious consequences. What should you do first?"

John folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the wall. "Do tell. What's wrong with this "patient"?"

"That's the interesting point, Major," Carson said earnestly. "Sometimes you can't tell what's wrong right away. Certain things, like viruses or large explosions, can have delayed effects, so it never hurts to be cautious. Oh, incidentally, that reminds me. I've been wantin' to test all the jumper pilots' reaction times, to make sure that the Ancient tech doesn't have delayed neural side effects." He smiled innocently, and Elizabeth had to stifle a giggle.

John turned pale as Carson continued. "I was going to start with an EMG -- that's the test with the needle probes and electric current. But don't worry. You'll only need about five or six to start off." John continued to look nervous. Elizabeth knew that he'd endured the procedure before; she remembered him complaining bitterly for two days afterward.

Carson stopped and shook his head. "Look at me, now. I've been rambling on." He turned back to Nichols. "Anyway, you've arrived at the scene and the patient is acting like an ass." Both Elizabeth and Peter snickered at that one, and John looked like he was getting mad. "Ye have to gently but firmly assert your authority. For instance, like you're the CMO and can suspend certain individuals' gate travel clearances."

Elizabeth wished she could see John's face. She'd bet that he was ready to explode. "All right, all right!" he growled. "I'll go see Heightmeyer!"

"Why, Major Sheppard. I was speaking hypothetically. But now that you mention it, she's got a 1:00 slot with your name on it." Suddenly, all traces of levity were gone. "I wouldn't skip it this time if I were you. The next part of this lad's training will involve restraining unruly patients. Think of this as your own personal trauma scene control."

Elizabeth couldn't hear John's reply, but Carson merely glared at him. Elizabeth burst into laughter as John muttered something dire under his breath and stalked away. The physician then let his face relax into the grin he'd barely been able to hold back himself. Reaching up to slap Nichols on the back, he said, "Thanks for the assist."

"Anytime, Dr. Beckett. It's been a pleasure doing business with you." Elizabeth wondered what Carson had offered the marine, then decided she was better off not knowing.

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Hours later, Elizabeth was still sitting at her desk. Her office was growing dim as the sun set. She stretched in her chair, contemplating leaving the rest of the paperwork for the next day. Then there was a knock at her door, and Kate Heightmeyer poked her head into the room. "Elizabeth? Everything okay?"

Elizabeth smiled and beckoned Kate inside. "Fine, thanks. Listen, I'm sorry I had to cancel on you at the last minute."

Kate grinned wickedly. "I'm surprised you dared, after Dr. Beckett's Oscar-winning performance this morning." The two women shared a laugh over John's discomfiture. "I've got some time right now, though. Do you want to meet?"

"Sure. We can either go to your office or stay here. Doesn't matter to me either way."

"I have another idea."

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They walked for about ten minutes in the direction of Kate's office. Before reaching it, however, they arrived at a little-used, winding staircase that ended in a large, airy room with floor-to-ceiling windows on two walls. Elizabeth nodded appreciatively as she looked around. "You really found a great spot."

"Definitely. Sometimes I'll come here to practice yoga or meditate. It's very peaceful." Kate walked over to a pile of cushions in the corner and gracefully sat cross-legged on one. Elizabeth followed suit, propping another cushion against the wall and leaning back with a sigh. For just a minute, she just closed her eyes and let herself drift.

"You must really be exhausted after the last few weeks," Kate said sympathetically.

"Yeah. The storm, the Genii, the nanovirus plague. Any one of the above would have been bad enough, but we lucked out with all three. And then there's Sora. I still have to figure out what to do with her. We can't keep her locked up here forever." Elizabeth opened her eyes again and looked at the psychologist. "I'd like to be able to deal with these things without having to worry about my team tearing itself apart."

"You're referring to John's undermining your authority during the plague."

"Partly. But there seems to be increased tension in general between the military and the scientists on this expedition."

"How so?"

"It's hard to put your finger on it. But I read Carson's report of events during the storm. He didn't say anything directly, but there seemed to be a quite a bit of friction between him and Lieutenant Ford. I'm not sure why, since they're otherwise friends. Carson insisted on taking the blame, but I wonder."

"Tell me what happened during the plague," Kate urged. "That's when this tension came to a head, correct?"

Elizabeth didn't say anything for a few minutes. Then, "He has no patience sometimes. He can't sit and wait, he just has to get in on the action. It's like he's half John Wayne, half twelve year-old." She paused. "And it wasn't like I was going to leave him completely out of the loop. All he needed to do was stay on the radio. He would have heard everything and could have offered his input at any point. But instead, he felt he had to personally be in the middle of the action, and we almost had an even bigger disaster."

"Why do you think John's like that?"

"I don't know! Probably thinks civilians are no good in an emergency. We're fine to negotiate trade agreements or play with gadgets, but if there's an actual emergency, forget it." Elizabeth shook her head. "Thing is, sometimes I wonder if he's right."

Elizabeth was silent again for a few minutes. When she finally continued, her voice was filled with irony. "His idea worked. Carson and Rodney tried scientific solutions, but it took an overgrown kid with an atomic bomb to do the job. If he hadn't acted, Ford, Zelenka, and so many others would be dead now."

Kate observed dryly, "Seems like the description 'overgrown kid with an atomic bomb' could also apply to Rodney. Maybe you're also buying into the false brawn/brains dichotomy."

Elizabeth shrugged. "Maybe." Then she corrected herself. "I guess it is probably true. Here was a situation that didn't involve the wraith, armed fanatics, armed child fanatics, or mist creatures that looked like General Hammond. I did want to use it as an opportunity to show that civilians and scientists can be useful. Instead, Petersen flips out and reinforces the negative stereotype. Like I said, it almost makes me think that John is right."

"No!" Kate said sternly. "The bottom line is that the only reason Petersen was able to transport into the mess hall was that John had already broken quarantine. Both military and civilian screwed up on this one."

Elizabeth retorted, "You don't need to tell me! Tell him that."

"I do need to tell you. You've couched this entire discussion in terms of "us" versus "them." Unless you believe your own press releases, no one else is going to think otherwise."

"Any concrete suggestions on what I can do?"

Kate's beeper went off at that moment, and she looked down to see who was trying to reach her. "It can wait a few minutes," she muttered to herself. To Elizabeth, she replied, "I think you're going to have to have an ongoing dialogue with John. Like I said, others will follow your example once the two of you get this straightened out."

Elizabeth bit her lip and looked down. "I'm not sure how to talk to John about this. I often intend to have a serious conversation with him, but he either makes some wisecrack remark or gives me the "puppy-dog eyes." Before I know it, he's changed the subject."

Kate sighed. Might as well ask the same question she had tried to ask John. "Elizabeth, what are your personal feelings about Major Sheppard?" Before Elizabeth could answer, though, Kate's beeper picked this inopportune moment to ring again.

"Damn," Kate said. "This time I've got to go. Just think about what I said, okay?" And she was gone.

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I find it difficult to write Elizabeth. What do folks think? Please R&R.


	5. Part Five: Carson Beckett

A/N: This chapter is a follow-up of sorts to Asclepius. You should definitely read it first in order for some of the references to make sense.

Thanks to all who reviewed! Please keep it coming. I'm currently working on the next chapter of "One Sick Puppy," and I'll hopefully have that out soon. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of trouble to have the little guy get into!

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My neck and back were killing me. Rodney wasn't kidding when he said we were spending quality time with the nanovirus samples. I must have been at this for hours, staring at the frightening things under the microscope.

I didn't care, though. It allowed me to keep my mind off the memory of almost having to watch my friend die horribly.

"_OK. I should be dead now." Rodney said, staring at the ceiling with fear and resignation._

_I started allowing myself to hope. "You ran into Dumais at the same time?"_

"_Exactly the same time."_

_The implications of this were staggering. "Then, yes, you should be dead." How was this possible?_

_From the looks of it, Rodney was wondering the same thing. "Oh, God! I'm still here!"_

_Ford looked rather shocked, too. "Yes, you are."_

"_Interesting..."_

"_Interesting?" If looks could kill, Zelenka would have been in serious trouble._

"_Don't take this the wrong way, but..."_

"_...why?" Zelenka again, finishing my thought._

"_Exactly."_

"_Well, I don't care." Rodney looked almost giddy with relief. "I mean, I really don't care!"_

I don't mind telling you, I teared up at that point. But I just patted Rodney on the shoulder and went back to work, which in this case involved watching Dr. Biro perform the autopsy on Dr. Hays. It's one thing to watch an autopsy of some anonymous poor soul, it's quite another to watch one performed on someone who was recently under your care.

Rodney's been in and out of here since the outbreak. He's been invaluable in helping me run tests on these perishing fuckers. But when I try to tell him to get some rest, he just snarls and says something about Warren Zevon. It's like he's tormented by some inner demon. I finally looked it up and found out that Zevon was a songwriter who'd said he'd sleep when he was dead. Zevon, sadly, is now eternally sleeping. Rodney, on the other hand, looks like he hasn't slept in days.

Ford and Zelenka haven't had that problem. Last time I saw them, they had consumed mass quantities of the brew from Zelenka's illicit still and had pretty much passed out. But I don't tell tales out of school, and you didn't just hear that from me.

Rodney's single-mindedness was one reason I decided to ask Kate Heightmeyer to hold sessions with the team. Everyone's been under a lot of stress from the Wraith, but sometimes the threat of illness can be more distressing than the threat of physical attack. This is as good a time as any for us to look for problems.

Predictably, the two intrepid military lads complained the loudest. Aiden, though he could be downright obnoxious when put in charge, eventually accepted the inevitable with grace. (I don't have to be a psychiatrist to realize that during the storm he was desperately trying to hide the fact that he was scared. As if anyone wouldn't be.) John was more pigheaded about it. I think I managed to coerce him without bruising his ego too much, though I'm not sure I want to know why Private Nichols wanted all those extra condoms.

Rodney's reaction to my "request" to see Dr. Heightmeyer was unexpected. He agreed without any argument. That alone made me worried. Something really is eating at him, and I don't think it's just his near-death experience. It may have something to do with turning the shield on during the storm. I was concussed at the time, but from what I've been able to piece together Rodney almost activated the shield two minutes before the tidal wave hit, which would have turned Teyla, Sora, and myself into fried hash. Now he seems haunted by it. I wish I could tell him that I don't blame him. If the city and 'gate access had been destroyed, the expedition couldn't possibly survive, and I'd never be able to live with myself if I were the cause. Kate says that if Rodney isn't ready to talk about it, then I shouldn't bring it up, but I hate to see him torture himself.

Knowing Rodney, he may also be blaming himself for his inability to solve the virus problem sooner. The two of us are becoming almost frighteningly self-critical.

Speaking of Kate, I think I'm the only one left who hasn't spoken with her. Since it wouldn't be fair for me not to follow my own orders, it was time for me to schedule my session.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I'll say this right off the bat. Kate Heightmeyer has a nicer office than I do. Oh, mine is bigger and needs to be closer to the infirmary, but hers has a much better view. If we were both working back in academia, this would trigger some seriously nasty political infighting. Fortunately, we're both more mature than that.

But that doesn't stop me from feeling a twinge of envy.

When I entered her office, Kate stood up and greeted me warmly. "You didn't have to make an appointment. You know you can just call me anytime."

"Aye, thank you. But this way I figured I wouldn't disrupt your schedule any more than necessary."

She nodded. "How are things going on your end? Oh, and would you like a cup of herbal tea? I just brewed a pot."

"Thank you, love. We've been quite busy. I've been monitoring Rodney and the others to make sure there aren't any delayed effects. I've also been listening to them complain about this with varying degrees of politeness. In addition..."

Kate interrupted, asking gently, "No, I meant how are you doing?"

Oh. Good question. I took a sip of the hot tea and looked out over the ocean. "Honestly? Those things scare the hell out of me. Next time we may not be so lucky. Then I'll have to watch some more autopsies."

"I can't imagine that being pleasant."

Now that was the understatement of the year. "You're right. It wasn't. What kept me going was the fact that if we didn't figure things out, Dr. Biro would have had to continue." I stopped. I wasn't at all sure I should tell Kate what was running through my mind now. I had spoken with her, of course, after the incident with the Asclepius cubes, but I did not want to stir up those emotions again. (Yes, I named the cubes, and if Major Sheppard doesn't like it he can take his chances at his next routine medical exam.)

What the hell, go for broke. "I have to tell you, I came this close to going back to that Ancient medical clinic..."

"Did you?" she asked.

"No." In the end, I knew I couldn't afford the luxury of "dying" again to look for nanovirus data that might not even exist. I wasn't even sure the cubes would work through a Hazmat suit. Although if the countdown for Ford and Zelenka had continued much further, my resolve would have been sorely tested.

"Good." Kate said. "I don't think Dr. Schwartz would have appreciated having to save your ass again."

"Probably not," I conceded. The Asclepius cubes provided the user with an easily accessible store of medical knowledge. But they didn't run on anything as simple as batteries. Instead, they drew power from the user, as I found out the hard way. I had my colleague and Dr. Weir to thank for saving my life, and Schwartz responded by threatening to kill me again if I so much as thought about using the cubes.

Inevitably, my thoughts next turned to the reason why I had put myself in such danger. I still missed Michelle Donohue and kept expecting her to walk into the infirmary to report to work. She had been one of the most talented members of my staff, but had died of cancer several months earlier. The expedition had not brought the necessary chemotherapy agents with us, and I felt responsible for that. Intellectually, I know that there's no way we could have anticipated every contingency and I know that some people are beyond my ability to help, but I'll be damned if it doesn't hurt like hell.

"Carson?"

I realized that I had been sitting there staring at nothing. "Just thinking. Chances are, the cubes would have been worthless. This outbreak was solved more by nuclear physics than by medicine. Like I said before, we may not be so lucky next time."

"Any idea yet on who or what might have created the virus?"

"No, we're still trying to figure it out." Whoever it was was a truly evil SOB. That virus had no purpose except terrorism. I, who was still trying to forgive myself for my role in the deaths of the Hoffans, could not even begin to understand the motivation of the nanotech designer.

Kate knew me too well. "I'm sure you're doing the best that you can. But you're thinking about Perna, right?"

Aye, that I was. She was the bonnie lass who headed the ill-fated research project to find an immunity to Wraith feeding. Would future generations of her people think of her in the same way we were thinking of the unknown nanotechnologist? Lord rest her soul, I hope not.

Kate and I continued to talk for another half hour or so. I have to wonder. She spends so much time helping all of us deal with our demons. Who helps her with her own? As hard as my job is, I definitely wouldn't want hers. I think we're both looking forward to a time when things become simpler for this expedition. We just hope all of us are around to see it.


	6. Part Six: Sergeant Bates

Kate looked at her schedule to see who had the next appointment and groaned out loud. She had thought Lieutenant Ford and Major Sheppard were hard to deal with. Compared to this particular soldier, the other two were a piece of cake. _Focus_, she told herself sternly. _He's going to try to put you on the defensive. You can't let him take control of the session_.

Truth be told, Kate was more than a little intimidated by Sergeant Bates, even though she had no real reason to be. She'd never had a session with him before, and the few times that they had spoken he'd been unfailingly polite. Still, she'd never met anyone else with such a piercing stare. Oh, other people on the expedition had their own "evil looks" -- Carson in particular could be downright scary when dealing with a recalcitrant patient -- but Bates gave the impression that he was dissecting people, weighing and measuring them to determine if they were a threat to security. And his glare left little doubt as to what he would do if he thought that they were.

The panel next to her door chimed softly. Kate took a deep breath, schooled her face into a pleasantly neutral expression, and pushed a button to allow entry to the office. Bates entered, walked directly to the couch, and sat, positioning himself so that his back was to the outside wall. Without being obvious about it, he scanned the room for threats before looking back at her and nodding. "Ma'am," he said simply.

She tried not to be annoyed at his behavior. Kate didn't want her countertransference to interfere with the rapport she was trying to build, but she was mildly insulted at Bates's assumption that he would need to protect himself in her office. "Hello, Sergeant. Before we start, can I get you anything to drink? Water, maybe?" It occurred to her that she didn't even know his first name, and she wished she had taken the time to more thoroughly read his personnel file.

"No thank you, ma'am. I'm fine."

"Okay, then. Did anyone tell you why I asked to meet with the senior staff?"

"No, ma'am."

This was quickly going to get old, thought Kate. "The incident with the nanovirus caused more distress than we initially thought. I'm concerned that there may be aftereffects."

Bates frowned. "What kind of aftereffects?"

"Anything, really. Stress, nightmares, burnout. Things like that. Are you experiencing any?"

"Definitely not!"

Of course not, thought Kate. And he'd hardly tell her if he were. Maybe he'd open up if she shifted her focus to other people. "Glad to hear it. How about in any of your men? Some of them were on the east pier with Dr. McKay's cleanup crew. You're in the best position to help me make sure they're okay."

The tactic seemed to work. Once Bates thought she wasn't scrutinizing him, but instead enlisting his aid, his posture relaxed slightly. "I guess I wasn't watching for anything like that, but everyone seems okay. I try to talk to all my men every few weeks, find any problems before they get too big," he said with a touch of pride.

"That's good! I'll bet it helps the discipline in your unit."

"Yes, ma'am! That's very important."

Here was an opening. "You're right, discipline is important. Tell me, then, how did you feel when Major Sheppard and Dr. Weir gave you opposing orders? Who did you think was right? Either way, you had to undermine someone's authority."

Bates looked nervous. "Umm, both of them were acting in what they felt were the best interests of the expedition," he said a little stiffly.

"Oh, I know," Kate reassured him. "But it certainly put you in an awkward position."

He snorted at that. And was there a hint of a smile? "You have no idea, ma'am." Bates thought for a minute, then said, "I actually think Dr. Weir was right. Without a Hazmat suit, who knows what the Major could have blundered into. For all we knew, it could have been a biological attack on the city, and there could have been more than one pathogen."

"All true," said Kate. "So why didn't you back Dr. Weir?"

"Discipline," Bates said again. "Major Sheppard is my commanding officer."

Kate thought of an obvious question, and decided to push him. Bates wasn't as threatening as she had initially thought, but she was concerned about his automatic deference to the military chain of command above all else. "You responded differently, though, when Major Sheppard told you to drop the investigation of Teyla's potential role in the Wraith attacks. There, you backed Dr. Weir."

"That was different. That was a security threat, not a medical threat." But he grimaced, as if realizing how ridiculous that sounded.

"Is it that you don't like the Athosians?" Kate asked. She noticed that he was no longer calling her "ma'am".

Bates didn't say anything at first. Then, defensively, "Listen, why are you really doing this? I told you I'm not having any problems after the nanovirus. Why the interrogation?"

Kate leaned back in her chair and exhaled. He was the only person so far to have asked her that. "One reason really is to make sure people are okay after the nanovirus plague. But I'm also a little worried about everyone. We've all been under a lot of stress lately, the plague being only the latest example. We also know that a Wraith attack at some point is inevitable. Everyone is going to need to work smoothly with each other if any of us are to survive, so I'm trying to help that happen. I'm helping people understand their own motivations so that they can function effectively during what might be the most stress any of us has ever seen." She paused. "I'm going to push you a little, Sergeant, just like I've pushed everyone else. So answer my question."

"It's not that I don't like them, it's that I don't really trust any of them. Particularly Teyla. It was on her world that the Colonel Sumner and the others were taken," said Bates.

"After Major Sheppard accidently activated her locket."

"Oh, and that makes it so much better!" he sneered. "Look, you're never going to convince me that the Athosians didn't do something to bring the Wraith down on us. I'm willing to concede that it wasn't the locket. But there's so much we don't know about them. Who knows what someone else may have tried?" Bates seemed relieved at finally being able to explain himself.

Kate appeared skeptical. "So the Athosians deliberately wiped out their own planet just to have the Wraith attack your team, despite having only met you a few hours earlier? Forgive me, Sergeant, but that sounds really paranoid."

"I'd rather be paranoid than dead, Dr. Heightmeyer."

"It sounds like you're saying that from personal experience."

Kate expected an explosion from Bates, but he only sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I grew up in a very bad neighborhood in LA, doctor. Someone was crippled or killed in a drive-by shooting almost every month. So yes, I learned that trusting people could sometimes lead to you winding up dead."

"Do you have any family still there?"

"My little brother -- he's only 12. I had to look out for him when he was a baby because our parents were rarely around." He said it matter-of-factly, without self-pity or regret.

Kate nodded. "I see. So essentially you grew up being responsible for someone else's safety and security. Good practice for your job now."

Bates actually laughed out loud at that. "So what, now you're saying that instead of being paranoid, I'm being an overprotective big brother?"

She gave him a wicked smile in return. "Who said they were mutually exclusive?"

"Good point. But seriously, what does my childhood have to do with how I deal with the chain of command? That is what started all this."

Kate was surprised to find that she enjoyed sparring with the security chief. "I should make you tell me," she said. "But it's obvious. The Wraith cullings are the ultimate drive-by shootings. You see the Wraith as gang members, and all of us as your little siblings. You'll take orders from whoever you think will best help you advance your goal of perfect security."

"Oh, that is such a load of... you don't honestly believe that crap you're spouting, do you?" Bates suddenly stopped, stunned. How had she managed to get under his skin like that? He would never normally talk this way to someone who could yank him from active duty. And especially not to a woman as attractive as she was...

Well, as long as he'd already put his foot in it, he might as well continue the banter. He was strangely enjoying it. "Um. Didn't mean to put it quite so bluntly. But I do think you're reading way too much into things. I don't trust the Athosians because their timing is just too perfect. We need food, they have allies who might help us get it. We need medicines, they know just the right place to go. And Teyla's ability to sense the Wraith -- that's just plain freaky. As for following orders, I'm military. Unless there's a good reason not to, I'm going to listen to my CO. But when I believe he's thinking with his dick instead of his brain, I'm going to call him on it!" Now he really looked shocked at his outburst.

Kate grinned smugly. She'd been right. All she'd needed to do was get him sufficiently worked up, and he loosened up enough to reveal what was going on in his head. And he was right in that she'd been spouting Freudian nonsense. But people somehow expected psychologists to act that way, and she could make use of that. Now she'd be able to come up with a strategy to help him use his innate suspiciousness and protectiveness more effectively.

Now that their session was almost over, she wasn't sure why she had been so intimidated by him at first. He was just someone with issues, like everyone else on the expedition. And he was cute; she wasn't sure why she hadn't noticed that before, either.

There was a soft chiming sound as the computer she'd recently programmed reminded her that they were out of time. "All right, looks like we have to stop for now. But I'm going to recommend that you come back for another session next week so we can finish our discussion."

"Too bad," Bates said, not really looking disappointed at all.

Kate found herself in complete agreement.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: I read somewhere that we won't be seeing much of Bates next season. I'm kinda bummed about that, as I would have liked to see more of his character developed. Guess I'll just have to do it myself... :-)_


	7. Epilogue: Session Transcripts

_Several months later_

Kate gave a sigh of relief as the door slid shut behind Rodney. She couldn't pinpoint the moment when sparring with him had stopped being fun. Now it seemed like she was just going through the motions. Rodney's snarkiness was subdued as well, but the times he crossed the line into outright nastiness were becoming more frequent. And she was also very worried about his recent major lapse in judgement that had led to the destruction of most of a solar system. That wasn't the sort of thing one wanted in one's personnel file.

Today's session had culminated in Rodney screaming that an intellectually challenged murderer had more accurately psychoanalyzed him after five minutes than she ever had. And that she'd let her professional curiosity endanger him when Cadman was stuck in his head. That hurt. She had only wanted to help them both. Rodney couldn't appreciate that he wasn't her only responsibility.

Lieutenant Ford had been her responsibility, too. She remembered his session just after his close brush with death from the nanovirus. He was scared and trying not to let it show. He definitely did NOT want to talk with her at first, but gradually opened up. Kate recalled his youthful enthusiasm and pride when she helped him realize that the team he led back from the mainland helped save the city from the Genii during the storm. With a smile, she also recalled Ford's regret over the crap he'd given Carson and his unfounded fear of the physician's wrath.

Yes, Ford's mental health had definitely been her responsibility. One that she'd failed in when he fell victim to the Wraith attack. Kate had been in the back of the infirmary when he ran amok and seized the enzyme Carson had synthesized. He had been floridly psychotic, but she could sense that a part of him knew what was happening and was screaming for help. Help that neither she nor anyone else had been able to provide. Kate was afraid for both his sanity and his life now, since the new commander of the Daedalus had made it clear that his status as a security risk made him expendable.

Then there was Bates. Although she had been intimidated by him at first, she was also attracted to him. As hard as she pushed him to understand his motivations, he pushed back equally as hard when he refused to let her take refuge in psychobabble. They'd started seeing each other, and their relationship had briefly reached the physical stage when he was savagely beaten by a Wraith. Bates had been sent back to Earth with the other wounded, but Kate refused to give up hope that he would eventually recover and return to Atlantis.

Denial really wasn't just a river in Egypt, was it.

Kate sighed and slumped down on her own couch. Not for the first time, she wished the expedition had more mental health personnel. She was in desperate need of a sympathetic ear. All of the injury and death was wearing heavy on her. In addition to Ford and Bates, there was Peter Grodin, Markham, Smith, and too many others to count. At times, she very seriously considering resigning and moving back to Earth herself.

But whenever she did contemplate leaving Atlantis, her mind invariably turned to all the pleasant moments from the last year. Watching the Athosian children playing and Jinto's smuggled dog winning the hearts of all the expedition members. Laughing at the men during ladies' poker night. Discovering technological marvels most people on Earth wouldn't know enough to even imagine. How could she give up all this to return to a mundane existence?

Kate knew in her heart that she wouldn't actually leave. This place had become too much like home, its inhabitants too much like family. But she knew she would need a better way of coping with her own stress, or she would burn out quickly. She enjoyed her regular yoga and meditation sessions in the beautiful room she'd shown Elizabeth, but they weren't enough. She looked forward to talking to Carson during the evening shifts when business was slow for both of them., but knew she couldn't sustain herself on that, either. For awhile after she'd started seeing Bates, Kate had hoped that their relationship would center her, but his head injury had ended that notion.

As much stress as she was under, Kate knew that Elizabeth and John were under at least twice as much. During her sessions with them, she was impressed with and more than a little envious of their resilience. (Even though John often had to be threatened into showing up.) She had a sneaking suspicion it was due to undeclared feelings they had toward each other. Both of their attempts to dodge the issue were amusing, and she often wanted to lock them in a room together to sort things out. Far from undermining the chain of command, Kate thought that it might actually help them run the city more smoothly. And as for them being afraid to make difficult decisions about each others' welfare, they probably felt that way already.

Kate made up her mind firmly that she was not going to resign from the expedition. But she was going to ask for some time off to go back to Earth to see her family. Her other family. A few weeks of relaxation should restore her sense of balance, and then she'd be able to return refreshed. After all, she had at least another year of working on John and Elizabeth to do.


End file.
